Sorry guys, I’ve been surprisingly busy this past week, (also on a side note: I’ll be continuing Back to Basics into next week). I’ll do my best to keep posting often, so thanks for bearing with me. As promised, part of my Back to Basics theme included an introduction to my story. It came to my attention that I haven’t even properly introduced myself ! So here it is, hope you enjoy.
My name is Trazy. I’m 21, half filipino and half caucasian, and I’ve been on my health/fitness journey for just over 4 years. It’ll sound more impressive when I explain a bit 😛
I’ve always been known as the “skinny little twig”. I’m sure that sounds very nice to some people, but when you’ve been teased for being anorexic and flat chested almost every year growing up, I can tell you now it’s not fun.
As for my side of things, no I’ve never been overweight, but I have been unhealthy. I used to eat fast food all the time, drink soda–Taco Bell was my shit. And then I discovered Starbucks of course when I got older: I’d get one before work, one for break, then maybe one after if I felt like it. So I was what we call “skinny fat”, feeding myself crap but not showing it (much) because I have a decent metabolism. I’d get tired walking up a few flights of stairs, but I tried not to show it because I thought it shouldn’t happen to me. I’d get fatigued easy, get black spots in my vision, and was extremely weak for someone who appeared to be “healthy”.
Most of it I fixed on my own. I lost my taste for fast food once I read more about the industry, and stopped drinking soda after I realized I only liked it because everyone else did. Eventually for me it all came down to knowledge: once you learn more about fast food and nutrition and health, you can’t help but allow your tastes to evolve. So I wanted to feed myself good food, and I wanted to get that food at local markets that supported my community.
And the key word here is: I wanted to. Hadn’t gotten around to it yet. But then I took a course for English analyzing The Omnivore’s Dilemma, by Michael Pollan my freshman year of college. I can’t tell you how thankful I am that I took this class. It introduced me to everything that I was missing from my own minimal research. This class was the catalyst to my journey. It was the very first time I’d began to feel passionate about health and fitness, and taking care of myself. It made me more aware of how unhealthy I was, but felt I could ignore because I wasn’t visibly gaining any weight. But I didn’t want to do it anymore.
I started eating better (still had a lot of treats) and started getting serious about working out, but in all honesty, I didn’t have much of an idea what I was doing. I mean have you ever tried running outside when you’ve been stuck on a treadmill for years ? It’s sort of completely awful. But I kept at it, because for the first time, I really wanted it.
So I was doing fine, keeping at it as best I could, learning more, and then.. I got in a relationship. At first it was all fine and great. I thought he supported me being healthy and wanting to be strong. But of course, things changed. I discovered little things about him that eventually added up to big things that added up to who he really was. Red flags started to show up everywhere. He’d look down on me for making “healthy food”. He’d pretend it was nice that I was running and exercising, but he’d later tell me he didn’t like that I didn’t just stay home all day, (completely serious too). And he was a careless athlete, so eventually he got injured. He actually told me that if he couldn’t work out, neither could I. Seriously. But the worst part is, I said okay. I stopped working out, running, stopped eating good food. I’d sleep all day, talk to him, eat one meal, then go back to sleep. I almost lost every friend I had. We started fighting every night, over stupid things, then over personal issues. I was manipulated into thinking everything was my fault, that I should do better. I don’t like to sound dramatic, but it was a really dark time for me. I almost lost everything, and any person in that situation can really only take so much. So I said enough.
The problem with that was, I thought I was doing the right thing. Or rather, I thought that’s what you were supposed to do in that situation: you’re supposed to give them the benefit of the doubt, you’re supposed to work through it. Trouble was, I was the only one doing any work. And yes it takes it’s toll on you. I was damaged mentally, emotionally, physically. Saying I felt completely, horridly empty is an understatement.
It’s really hard getting back on your feet after something like that, (and I even gave you the decent-sounding version). But it was a huge weight lifting off my shoulders when I ended it. I knew I’d never go back to that, because I knew exactly what it had cost me. I gave up my health for someone who clearly didn’t give two shits about anyone but himself. But at least it made it easier to decide it would never happen to me again.
So you learn that there’s nothing more important than keeping your health. There’s nothing more important than being strong and happy on your own. It’s actually funny because I was never that girl before, the one who’d give up who she was for a guy. Hated girls like that. But I allowed myself to become that girl because of a stupid guy.
Even so, I’m still grateful. After all the shit I went through, I’m still allowing myself to be grateful for it. It taught me so much about myself. I rediscovered how strong I was before, how much stronger it made me. And it made me want to run again. It made me want to be healthy and active again. I know how dedicated I am to this lifestyle, because I know exactly what it feels like to lose it all. And it’s made me a little selfish to be honest, because I know now that I’d never give it up again for anyone who tried to make me. I choose my health, and if someone can’t understand that, they don’t deserve my time.
It’s hard going through whatever it is that makes people want to start their journey. In my case, it was a relationship that barely warrants the name. It’s funny though, going through it is horrible itself, but afterwards.. you’re thankful for it. After everything that’s led up to where I am now, I’m so thankful for who I am and what I have. I am thankful for my health, for my knowledge, for learning everything by myself and teaching it to the people I love (albeit with some difficulty). If I had never gone through hardship, I wouldn’t be who I am today. And I’m proud of who I am, so that makes me thankful.
I’m not telling you this story to make you feel sorry or sad or annoyed. I want to show you that everyone has a story. I’ve come so far from knowing nothing about health, to planning my own workouts and starting this blog. The other day I was complimented in the gym for the intensity and organization of my workouts, and it was such an amazing thing to hear. I know I still have a lot of work to do for myself, but I should be proud of everything I’ve achieved so far. Every day I work hard to get the look I want, the health I want, and the strength I want so that I can be at my absolute best.
And in all honesty it’s not just for me. I want to be at my best to support the people I love. That’s my journey. That’s what I’m passionate about, and I’m glad you know it now too.
So if everyone has a story, what’s yours ?